adventure time.

The last 2 months since my last entry had me feeling like I was on an emotional road trip. I’ve made quite a few pit stops so far – loneliness, depression, family drama, discontent with my job, getting my hopes up, keeping my hopes down, losing faith, clinging to God, steeping myself in my vices, begging forgiveness, choosing my friends, letting go of relationships, learning to stand up for myself…needless to say it’s been a crazy couple of months. Today though there is some clarity. I feel like I am still driving to “destination unknown”…but the fog is lifting.

In a couple of weeks I will be flying to Canada to take up a counseling certification. I had toyed with the idea of pursuing this last January but was resigned to giving up on it because of a lack of finances. Well, 3 weeks ago I woke up to several Skype messages and a missed call from my counselor. She excitedly shared that she had contacted some of her former counselees and a couple had decided to sponsor my tuition and residential fees. Then another week later I got a partial travel grant from the counseling alumni association. I applied for my Canadian visa immediately and despite not having every document they asked for, was granted a visa in a week and a half. A girl I had gone to high school with (she was a year above me) saw my “I’m coming to Canada” post on fb and offered me a place to stay. Some of my Stateside friends also began offering places to stay if I came to visit. Two of my best friends from the States offered to drive/fly to wherever I was for a weekend so we could all hang out. On top of that, my boss agreed to give me one month off to complete the course as well as have some time off to take a vacation.

God has really been aligning and arranging things so that I get to do this. I am beyond grateful and beyond blown away. Everytime I try to express how I feel I just choke. There are no words.

I have realized though that if you are doing something that is in service to others and in accordance with His will, He will really throw open doors and windows and move on your behalf. Because moving on your behalf also means moving on His behalf. Very often I ask for selfish things. Things that I don’t really need and that don’t benefit anyone but myself. And like a good parent, sometimes He gives me those things for the pure joy and pleasure of putting a smile on my face. But also very often, He withholds what He thinks does not serve a better purpose. That verse on God “granting the desires of your heart”? I get it. He will grant me my heart’s desires if my heart is aligned with His.

I’ll be leaving in a couple of weeks and I’m starting to freak out a little bit. This is primarily a learning trip. I will be learning things that will enable me to help others. That will enforce a call on me to serve. All of a sudden I’m feeling stifled. I will have the responsibility of using what I learned to help other people and not just keep it for myself as a “useful skill to have”. Now, I will be obligated to do something with this knowledge. I find it funny how I can talk about serving others all day long but when it comes to actually recognizing a responsibility to do so…I balk. I want to say “this isn’t my responsibility…this is just a choice I make because I’m a good Christian.” I wanted to be able to serve God – now that I am handed the opportunity on a silver platter I suddenly feel like buckling under the weight of it. Perhaps it is because I have been so used to living for myself or for my family or for my friends. But never for God. Never for the world at large as a person embodying Christ’s love. But how exciting and overwhelming to know that in a couple of weeks God will be shaking me, breaking me, and renewing me. I will be a person more capable of helping others. I pray that He would not only give me the skills to do so, but the heart to do so as well.

I have a lot of fears…but it helps to see how God has orchestrated things so absolutely perfectly. In some ways, it gives me faith that I’m meant to go on this trip and explore what God wants me to do. Perhaps God has some clarity waiting for me when I get there. Or perhaps He’ll lead me to more questions. All I know for sure is He will “take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.”

Scared. Overwhelmed. Excited. Ready.

ps

If you pray…then please pray for me. Some things I am still praying for:

1. Funding – I still need a lot of $$$ for my plane ticket
2. Apartment – I need to find someone who can rent my apartment for April
3. Lodging – I need to find someone who can host me in DC for April 1-7.

Of faith.

¹⁷ As it is written, I have made you the father of many nations. [He was appointed our father] in the sight of God in Whom he believed, Who gives life to the dead and speaks of the nonexistent things that [He has foretold and promised] as if they [already] existed.

¹⁸ [For Abraham, human reason for] hope being gone, hoped in faith that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been promised, So [numberless] shall your descendants be.

¹⁹ He did not weaken in faith when he considered the [utter] impotence of his own body, which was as good as dead because he was about a hundred years old, or [when he considered] the barrenness of Sarah’s [deadened] womb.

²⁰ No unbelief or distrust made him waver (doubtingly question) concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong and was empowered by faith as he gave praise and glory to God,

²¹ Fully satisfied and assured that God was able and mighty to keep His word and to do what He had promised.

-Romans 4: 17-21 (AMP)

I’ve been going through the Ray Stedman devotionals on Romans lately and today’s reading/devotions really blew me away.  Basically he was discussing the topic of faith.  Specifically using the example of Abraham to define what faith actually is, and what the obstacles to faith are.  (Please note, I will be lifting copy directly from his devotionals so if it sounds like I have suddenly become an amazing writer – those are most likely his words and not mine 🙂 )

What is faith?

Verse 17: “As it is written: ‘I have made you a father of many nations.’ He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed”

The key here is not the AMOUNT of faith you have but rather the OBJECT of your faith, which is, drumroll…God.  Again – the amount of your faith has nothing to do with it – Jesus himself said “if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matt 17:20).  Rather the quality of your faith depends on the object in which that faith has placed its trust.  It’s not about your faith but it is about GOD, in whom your faith is fixed.

So – what kind of God is He?  What is it about God that will allow you to fix your faith in Him?

 Verse 17: “As it is written: ‘I have made you a father of many nations.’ He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not.”

He is the God who (1.) gives life to the dead.  He takes things that were once alive & vibrant but have died and become hopeless and brings them to life again.  He also (2.) “speaks of the non-existent things that [He has foretold & promised] as if they [already] existed” (AMP).  He calls into existence things that do not exist.

What are the obstacles to faith? 

1) Hopeless Circumstances – In this particular example the hopeless circumstances are Abraham & Sarah’s barrenness.  They were promised that they would have numerous descendants, and that out of their descendants, the Seed (Christ) would come, He who would make possible the gift of righteousness.  Basically, everything hung on the birth of a baby – to a couple for whom this would be impossible.  So what did Abraham do?  He faced the facts.

Verse 19: “Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah’s womb was also dead.”

Faith is not escapism!  It is NOT about evading facts. 

Verse 18: “[For Abraham, human reason for] hope being gone, hoped in faith that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been promised, So [numberless] shall your descendants be” (AMP).

YET, Abraham had hope!  Why?  Even faced with the facts, he remembered he had a God who raises the dead & calls into existence the things that do not exist!  Against all hope, he believed in hope – because of the God in whom his faith was fixed.

Now here is the 2^nd obstacle to faith – the one I wasn’t expecting that really blew me away.

2) Staggering Possibilites – the promise given to Abraham, was in itself an obstacle to faith.  Why on earth would God’s promise to him be an obstacle to his faith??

Verse 20: “yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God”

The promise to be an heir of all the world and to have righteousness (undeserved standing with God) was beyond belief.  It was too good to be true – until Abraham remembered what kind of God he had – and so he believed.

How many times do we lose faith because of hopeless circumstances?  What about because of the staggering possibilities?  Genesis 18:14 “Is anything too hard or too wonderful for the Lord?” (AMP)

I will be the first to admit I’m only human.  I look at my circumstances and sometimes I am overwhelmed and worry overtakes me.  Doubt assails me.  I pray for miracles, I pray for mountains to be moved.  But when God actually gives me fantastic, amazing promises in response to my prayers do I believe?  No.  I look at that promise and pronounce it too good to be true.  I minimize God and trivialize His promise to one my mind can comprehend – a promise I can get behind because it does not require the exercising of my faith.

Ray Stedman talks about this –saying:

“If you have faith like a tiny little grain of mustard seed, but the object of your faith is trustworthy and has promised to do something, then exercise your faith & it will grow.  OBEY.”

Verse 21; “Fully satisfied and assured [persuaded] that God was able and mighty [had the power] to keep His word & to do what He had promised.” (AMP, NIV)

“You will never know when a thing that is dead & dull & lifeless may be touched by the grace of God & brought to life again.  When something that you cannot possibly hope for – something which does not now exist, but which will be called into existence by the God who calls into existence the things that do not exist – when such a thing is promised by a God like this, life is an adventure.”

“Trust against the circumstances that surround us, when we have a promise to oppose against it, the promise & a God who says He will do something & who cannot fail”.

Link to the original article/devotional/sermon transcript here.

TRUTH THURSDAYS 14: CAN’T WAIT NO MORE

I grew up having my whole life mapped out for me.  I clearly remember my mom telling my 7 year old self that one day I would go to university in the States, become a surgeon like my late uncle, and buy her a mansion and a jet ski.  In fact, she used to clip out pictures of the mansion(s) I would buy her.  Not a lot of pressure for a 7 year old.

Well I worshiped my mother, and I’m an obedient kid, so I decided I would roll with this plan.  I did go to university in the States – but I soon realized that I HATED blood and science bored the crap out of me.  Not the best combination if you wanted to get into plastic surgery.  So I tried a bunch of different classes but nothing really interested me.  I ended up changing my major to business because I thought “if I can’t be a surgeon then I suppose being an entrepreneur will be the best bet to getting my mother her mansion.”

The truth was, business bored me to tears as well.  I did have other interests – fashion, writing, history, sociology, anthropology, psychology.  But due to the rigorous training/brainwashing I had gone through in my life I took one look at these subjects that I truly enjoyed and placed them firmly in the “impractical majors” pile.

So here I am, 28 years old and stuck in a job that I don’t really enjoy.  I want to break free and explore what I used to be good at – see if I can make a career of it.  Unfortunately there’s the little matter of surviving to think about – bills to pay, food, housing, clothing – the basics.  If only money wasn’t an option.  If only I could go 4 years without needing to work and just invest in going back to school.  I have all these worries and concerns.  But here’s the thing – I can’t wait anymore.

I’m getting older.  Going to work has become a soul-sucking experience.  I just can’t wait.  I need a change.  I need a MIRACLE.  I need God to step in and say “here – I’m opening doors for you.  This is what I designed you for.  This is the job.  The career.  The calling.  This is what will bring Me the most glory.  Here you go.  This is My gift to you – so you can give back to Me.  For Me.”

Lord, I don’t want to wait anymore.  But if You tell me I need to be patient, that You’ve already set the wheels in motion and all I need to do is sit still and be faithfully present in this season – I will wait.  When I can’t wait, give me grace.  I don’t want to go ahead of You.

 

Truth Thursdays exists to connect people through writing.  To initiate something honest, thoughtful, and meaningful.  Truth Thursdays is an open discussion of expressions. There are no right or wrong responses, Truth Thursdays are just what they are.

TRUTH THURSDAYS 5: WHAT’S IN YOUR HAND?

I’m reminded of the story of Moses, who God called to set the his people, the Israelites, free.  We have 2 whole chapters in Exodus of Moses basically hemming and hawing and trying to get out of doing what God had instructed him to do.  He was scared, insecure, and completely lacking in any confidence – in himself and more importantly, in God.

God countered every excuse Moses gave him:

“Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?”

“I will be with you. And this will be the sign to you that it is I who have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God on this mountain.”

 

“Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them?”

“I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you.’”

 

“What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ‘The Lord did not appear to you’?”

“If they do not believe you or pay attention to the first sign [staff becoming a snake], they may believe the second [hand becoming leprous]. But if they do not believe these two signs or listen to you, take some water from the Nile and pour it on the dry ground. The water you take from the river will become blood on the ground.”

 

“I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”

“Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute?Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”

 

“Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”

“What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and he will be glad to see you. You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do.”

 

Aren’t we just like Moses sometimes?  So unwilling to do what God has commanded, full of disbelief that we are even capable of doing the things He wants us to do.  Doesn’t it ever occur to us that if God asks us to do something He will most certainly enable us to carry out his commands?

God calls us to bless and give and love extravagantly beyond our resources.  He calls us to a place of utter reliance on Him.  We don’t need anything in our hands to be able to do God’s work.  in fact when Jesus sent out the disciples he told them to “take nothing for the journey”.  To quote Francis Chan’s Crazy Love –

“Jesus was forcing His disciples to trust Him.  God would have to come through for them because they had nothing else to fall back on.  This place of trust isn’t a comfortable place to be; in fact, it flies in the face of everything we’ve been taught about proper planning.  We like finding refuge in what we already have rather than in what we hope God will provide.  But when Christ says to count the cost of following Him, it means we must surrender everything.  It means being willing to go without an extra tunic or a place to sleep at night, and sometimes without knowing where we are going.”

What’s in my hand?  Does it matter?  I’m not looking anymore.  There may be something.  There may be nothing.  But regardless, that’s more than enough for my God.

TRUTH THURSDAYS 1: I AM HERE

“I’m standing on the edge of me
I’m standing on the edge of everything I’ve never been before.
And I’ve been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I’m on fire
When You’re near me
I’m on fire
When You speak
Yeah I’m on fire
Burning at these mysteries”
-On Fire, Switchfoot

This is my heartsong. It seems I’m always trying to race after who I could be. Who God wants me to be. And it seems I’m always tiptoeing the line, dipping my toe in the water, suspended in time. I want to cross over, to jump/run/dive in. Except I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to dive in to. And then when I ask for direction, I don’t hear what I want to hear. I hear things like “You are in a fog but God will give you just enough light for the next step” and “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.” (that’s Romans 12:1, MSG). You mean to tell me I’m supposed to keep circling this issue? I pray about it till I’m blue in the face and all I get is “wait”? Doesn’t God want me to be living up to my full potential – in the job he has planned for me, one that will utilize my passions for his glory? With the right man, with whom I can serve him better that I could as a single? All these questions. They’re exhausting.

 
Maybe that’s where God wants me to be. A place of exhaustion. Where I’m so bone-weary-tired that I stop fighting for control (because let’s face it, I am a control freak) and surrender. Finally embrace the lessons of patience and trust He’s been trying to teach me. One thing I can say with absolute certainty – God is a master strategist. He knows exactly how long and how slow He has to go to get you where you need to be. I look back over the last 4 years and I see how he has been so patiently bringing the same issue to light over and over again. I’m amazed at my stubbornness. 4 years to learn ONE lesson. I want to smack myself upside the head. Lesson’s not over though, and maybe this time, I’ll finally get it. At least I hope so, because as I said before – I’m exhausted.

 
This is what I’m learning now. Paraphrasing my pastor – Be content. Contentment doesn’t mean settling. It’s still moving forward. Contentment is FOR THIS MOMENT – being FULL, but moving forward. The secret to contentment is CHRIST. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. When I am weak, I can still DO (through Christ). Whether I am rich or poor I can still DO (through Christ). Whether I am married or single I can still DO (through Christ).

 
I’m still asking my questions. But I’m trusting in the answer-giver. Not in the answer. Maybe I can learn to finally just BE HERE. On the edge of me or otherwise.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs.

Recently someone came back into my life after a year of radio silence. (yes, this person is a he and yes, we did have some romantic history). Cautiously, or maybe not so cautiously, we started talking again. 3 weeks later we admitted we still liked each other but the distance remained an issue. A year ago, this is what kept us from progressing – the distance problem. We both had taken time to pray about our situation and we both found different answers. He felt like God was telling him to let me go as we would not be able to “walk together”. I felt like God was telling me that He could make the relationship work, and that nothing was too difficult for him. I have to ask myself if I projected my own desires into my prayers or if I really heard from God.

Fast forward a year later and we’re almost back where we started. I can feel myself remembering all the reasons why I liked him. I can feel him doing the same. Then suddenly…the slow fade. I can feel him distancing himself. The IMs begin to lessen. The messages become more cryptic, more general, more “friendly” and less “flirty”. I get an IM saying he will continue to pray for clarity about the situation. I never asked him to define the situation. I told him I didn’t want him to feel pressured, that if we just remained friends it would be fine with me. But all this talk about possible relationships has left my emotions unguarded yet again. I feel this anxiety, this tension…I want things to be different this time around. My conversations with God are all over the place. From “it’s been a year Lord! surely this means something? maybe this means that he’s changed and has realized I’m not someone he should let go” to “we already can see where this is heading. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be IMing you more often and booking plane tickets to see you”.

I haven’t been handling the anxiety very well. I’ve been depressed/angry/sad about the situation and just haven’t been trusting God in general. If I’m honest with myself, I’ll admit that I don’t trust God to change him or to speak to him. I don’t trust that God has been working in his heart the past year. Why is that?? Certainly God has been working in my heart. Maybe it’s because I’ve been so hurt by men recently that I find it hard to believe that they can change. God, where did this bitter person come from? The sadder thing is that I don’t trust God to provide a husband for me. My love life has been in a perpetually cloudy season and I can’t see past the fog. But shouldn’t I be trusting that despite the fog/clouds/impaired vision (in the physical), the Lord is near? My prayer is that I would not cling to anything. But instead continue to offer everything to God. Whether he gives or takes away (or continues to take away). Whether he is pruning me and I don’t see the blessings that are just around the riverbend. (Pocahontas fans, I’m sorry, I had to, the analogy was just there!) I want to learn the lesson this time. I want to walk into (or away from) this with the right attitude. An attitude of trust. And faith. And joy in the Lord. Not joy in this man. It will be hard to do. DAILY, I wrestle with the tension and fear of losing something I want. It’s difficult and painful, but surely I can still honor God despite these pesky emotions.

 

What do you do when you can’t see past your nose?

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” – Phil 4: 4-5

That I would be that woman of God that rejoices in the midst of trial and change. That I would be that woman whose soul is overwhelmed and satisfied by Christ and Christ alone.