TRUTH THURSDAYS 14: CAN’T WAIT NO MORE

I grew up having my whole life mapped out for me.  I clearly remember my mom telling my 7 year old self that one day I would go to university in the States, become a surgeon like my late uncle, and buy her a mansion and a jet ski.  In fact, she used to clip out pictures of the mansion(s) I would buy her.  Not a lot of pressure for a 7 year old.

Well I worshiped my mother, and I’m an obedient kid, so I decided I would roll with this plan.  I did go to university in the States – but I soon realized that I HATED blood and science bored the crap out of me.  Not the best combination if you wanted to get into plastic surgery.  So I tried a bunch of different classes but nothing really interested me.  I ended up changing my major to business because I thought “if I can’t be a surgeon then I suppose being an entrepreneur will be the best bet to getting my mother her mansion.”

The truth was, business bored me to tears as well.  I did have other interests – fashion, writing, history, sociology, anthropology, psychology.  But due to the rigorous training/brainwashing I had gone through in my life I took one look at these subjects that I truly enjoyed and placed them firmly in the “impractical majors” pile.

So here I am, 28 years old and stuck in a job that I don’t really enjoy.  I want to break free and explore what I used to be good at – see if I can make a career of it.  Unfortunately there’s the little matter of surviving to think about – bills to pay, food, housing, clothing – the basics.  If only money wasn’t an option.  If only I could go 4 years without needing to work and just invest in going back to school.  I have all these worries and concerns.  But here’s the thing – I can’t wait anymore.

I’m getting older.  Going to work has become a soul-sucking experience.  I just can’t wait.  I need a change.  I need a MIRACLE.  I need God to step in and say “here – I’m opening doors for you.  This is what I designed you for.  This is the job.  The career.  The calling.  This is what will bring Me the most glory.  Here you go.  This is My gift to you – so you can give back to Me.  For Me.”

Lord, I don’t want to wait anymore.  But if You tell me I need to be patient, that You’ve already set the wheels in motion and all I need to do is sit still and be faithfully present in this season – I will wait.  When I can’t wait, give me grace.  I don’t want to go ahead of You.

 

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TRUTH THURSDAYS 1: I AM HERE

“I’m standing on the edge of me
I’m standing on the edge of everything I’ve never been before.
And I’ve been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I’m on fire
When You’re near me
I’m on fire
When You speak
Yeah I’m on fire
Burning at these mysteries”
-On Fire, Switchfoot

This is my heartsong. It seems I’m always trying to race after who I could be. Who God wants me to be. And it seems I’m always tiptoeing the line, dipping my toe in the water, suspended in time. I want to cross over, to jump/run/dive in. Except I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to dive in to. And then when I ask for direction, I don’t hear what I want to hear. I hear things like “You are in a fog but God will give you just enough light for the next step” and “So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.” (that’s Romans 12:1, MSG). You mean to tell me I’m supposed to keep circling this issue? I pray about it till I’m blue in the face and all I get is “wait”? Doesn’t God want me to be living up to my full potential – in the job he has planned for me, one that will utilize my passions for his glory? With the right man, with whom I can serve him better that I could as a single? All these questions. They’re exhausting.

 
Maybe that’s where God wants me to be. A place of exhaustion. Where I’m so bone-weary-tired that I stop fighting for control (because let’s face it, I am a control freak) and surrender. Finally embrace the lessons of patience and trust He’s been trying to teach me. One thing I can say with absolute certainty – God is a master strategist. He knows exactly how long and how slow He has to go to get you where you need to be. I look back over the last 4 years and I see how he has been so patiently bringing the same issue to light over and over again. I’m amazed at my stubbornness. 4 years to learn ONE lesson. I want to smack myself upside the head. Lesson’s not over though, and maybe this time, I’ll finally get it. At least I hope so, because as I said before – I’m exhausted.

 
This is what I’m learning now. Paraphrasing my pastor – Be content. Contentment doesn’t mean settling. It’s still moving forward. Contentment is FOR THIS MOMENT – being FULL, but moving forward. The secret to contentment is CHRIST. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. When I am weak, I can still DO (through Christ). Whether I am rich or poor I can still DO (through Christ). Whether I am married or single I can still DO (through Christ).

 
I’m still asking my questions. But I’m trusting in the answer-giver. Not in the answer. Maybe I can learn to finally just BE HERE. On the edge of me or otherwise.