no sudden moves.

So that guy texted again. After a month of radio silence he texts me asking me when I’m moving back to the US. He tells me I deserve a prince of a man, one that treats me and loves me beautifully. He jokingly tries to convince me to have 12 kids with him. And just like that, I dissolve into tears. I promised myself I wouldn’t let him do this to me again. So with all the blood rushing to my head I try to be brave.

Me: Maybe you shouldn’t joke about that 🙂 My poor heart 🙂

Him: It’s actually a tough one for me, so joking helps I guess.

Me: I can understand that 😦 But I guess what I wanted to say is it’s difficult to hear that joke in relation to me because it’s just way too personal…it makes me want to hit you upside the head and at the same time pray for the right girl for you to have 12 kids with because I genuinely care about you and want you to be happy. I think we could actually be good friends but everytime you message and kind of joke about how things might be different I don’t know how to deal with that. But seeing as I’m now just telling you that it’s not your fault…it’s really mine. Because I’m usually a rock and I’m having an off day and this is hard. I try not to be affected by what you say but as it turns out I’m sensitive.

Him: You’re 100% right. I shouldn’t make references to us having 12 kids together. I joke around the unexplored desire that dwell with me, not knowing how to solve the missing pieces of relationships.

At this point, I am crying, thinking to myself how cruel it is of him to throw that out there. As if any of his unexplored desires have to do with me. I don’t want to ask but I need to hear him say it. I need to hear him say he doesn’t want me the way I want him.

Me: Those unexplored desires…I don’t think they’re for me. I think they’re desires in general…so as long as you don’t use me as a filler (even jokingly) we’re okay.

Him: Deal. But why do you rush to assume they could not be for you?

And oh I hate him in that moment. It’s almost as if he wants me to continue to hope for the possibility of him and me. To keep me around just in case he needs an ego boost. So I brace myself. I work up the nerve to ask a question I already know the answer to but need to hear anyway.

Me: Fair point. Are they?

Him: Well maybe not the full 12 kids, but you know I was attracted to you and enjoyed our conversations. I couldn’t see the distance working for my personality and needs in a relationship.

It feels like someone punched me in the heart. Once again I’ve offered him my slowly healing heart only for him to be careless with it. Again. All I can do is sit in my cubicle trying to be quiet, and hope that no one sees me. We talk some more. Finally we end with agreeing to continue to be friends. I really just want to tell him I don’t want to be his friend but I hear God telling me I need to learn to be vulnerable, I need to learn a few more lessons in setting boundaries. I have to be stronger than my broken heart. And despite everything, I need to be able to see that he is still a good person. A selfish person, yes, but then again so am I. Is he using me? I think in some way he is, but I truly don’t think he means to do so. I genuinely believe in him. And I pray about that wall he’s erected around his heart – that wall that makes him do these selfish insensitive things – I pray someday it crumbles.

Everyone I know has been damaged by love in one way or another. The only thing you can do is to be brave. And eventually, throw yourself back in the ring and try again.

thisisn'teverythingyouare

Although not indicated in the title, this post is also a part of my Truth Thursdays entries – Truth Thursdays 21: All Things New.

Truth Thursdays exists to connect people through writing.  To initiate something honest, thoughtful, and meaningful.  Truth Thursdays is an open discussion of expressions. There are no right or wrong responses, Truth Thursdays are just what they are.

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When you are reminded.

I live in a city that is always on.  High-rises, billboards, flashing lights, smog, cars honking.  Sometimes the noise drowns you out.  Makes you feel small and inconsequential.  So for 5 days I shut out the noise.  Goodbye world, hello quiet.  TV, facebook, email, online dating sites, viber, everything went silent.  I had hoped for more time in prayer and study.  Instead I got one of the busiest work weeks of the year – and slightly more prayer and study than my normal. 

The first night I ended bible study at 9pm and thought…now what?  Watching Law & Order reruns was out of the question.  I sat on my bed for 30 mins staring at the ceiling and woke up at 4 in the morning.  I couldn’t go back to sleep.  So this is what happens when you go to bed early.  On the third night I ended up praying for a while.  Crying out to God.  All the quiet had done me in.  I was faced with what I felt was my unremarkable life.  I prayed – why God have You forgotten me?  Don’t You have any plans for me?  Can’t I be used for something bigger than myself? 

Funny how noise can help you drown out questions you don’t want to ask.  It exhausts you, but you welcome the bone-weary tired feeling because it means you can bury your head in the sand for just a bit longer.  Unfortunately, I was now past that point.  Fully aware of all my disappointments I had nothing left but tears.  So I prayed.  I wrote down verses that would refute everything I was thinking of.  And then 2 days later – the last day of this self-imposed media fast, a text from a friend, someone I hadn’t confided in overly much:

Good morning love!  I was just praying asking God what to pray for you and I felt like He wanted me to tell you to keep having hope and to cling on to Him because He isn’t’ leaving you or forsaking you.  He hasn’t forgotten about you.  Love you!

 And just like that.  I mattered.  I wasn’t alone.  My life – is not unremarkable.  He makes all things beautiful. 

SONG OF SONGS 2:10-13