Recently someone came back into my life after a year of radio silence. (yes, this person is a he and yes, we did have some romantic history). Cautiously, or maybe not so cautiously, we started talking again. 3 weeks later we admitted we still liked each other but the distance remained an issue. A year ago, this is what kept us from progressing – the distance problem. We both had taken time to pray about our situation and we both found different answers. He felt like God was telling him to let me go as we would not be able to “walk together”. I felt like God was telling me that He could make the relationship work, and that nothing was too difficult for him. I have to ask myself if I projected my own desires into my prayers or if I really heard from God.
Fast forward a year later and we’re almost back where we started. I can feel myself remembering all the reasons why I liked him. I can feel him doing the same. Then suddenly…the slow fade. I can feel him distancing himself. The IMs begin to lessen. The messages become more cryptic, more general, more “friendly” and less “flirty”. I get an IM saying he will continue to pray for clarity about the situation. I never asked him to define the situation. I told him I didn’t want him to feel pressured, that if we just remained friends it would be fine with me. But all this talk about possible relationships has left my emotions unguarded yet again. I feel this anxiety, this tension…I want things to be different this time around. My conversations with God are all over the place. From “it’s been a year Lord! surely this means something? maybe this means that he’s changed and has realized I’m not someone he should let go” to “we already can see where this is heading. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be IMing you more often and booking plane tickets to see you”.
I haven’t been handling the anxiety very well. I’ve been depressed/angry/sad about the situation and just haven’t been trusting God in general. If I’m honest with myself, I’ll admit that I don’t trust God to change him or to speak to him. I don’t trust that God has been working in his heart the past year. Why is that?? Certainly God has been working in my heart. Maybe it’s because I’ve been so hurt by men recently that I find it hard to believe that they can change. God, where did this bitter person come from? The sadder thing is that I don’t trust God to provide a husband for me. My love life has been in a perpetually cloudy season and I can’t see past the fog. But shouldn’t I be trusting that despite the fog/clouds/impaired vision (in the physical), the Lord is near? My prayer is that I would not cling to anything. But instead continue to offer everything to God. Whether he gives or takes away (or continues to take away). Whether he is pruning me and I don’t see the blessings that are just around the riverbend. (Pocahontas fans, I’m sorry, I had to, the analogy was just there!) I want to learn the lesson this time. I want to walk into (or away from) this with the right attitude. An attitude of trust. And faith. And joy in the Lord. Not joy in this man. It will be hard to do. DAILY, I wrestle with the tension and fear of losing something I want. It’s difficult and painful, but surely I can still honor God despite these pesky emotions.
What do you do when you can’t see past your nose?
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.” – Phil 4: 4-5
That I would be that woman of God that rejoices in the midst of trial and change. That I would be that woman whose soul is overwhelmed and satisfied by Christ and Christ alone.