because bravery.

A brief introduction to this blog post…I wrote this a year ago when I was starting to see the cracks in my relationship with my ex. It’s bittersweet to read now – knowing what I know – that my wishes and dreams and hopes have turned to ash and dust. But in spite of that, I am so very proud of how brave I was. Brave enough to love and to risk my heart. My good friend Isa Garcia said it best (in her book Found: Letters on Life, Love, and God)…”only the vulnerable heart can love rightly”.

One of the best compliments you’ve given me is to tell me you see an inner core of strength in me. I wish you could always see that. Sometimes it hurts when I hear you voice your concerns. Concerns about me being fearful, loving routine, not taking risks. I wonder if you see my desire for stability and security and safety as a noose around your neck. The truth is you probably don’t feel that way. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder if you do. The fact that it concerns you must mean something. Maybe it isn’t a big deal at all but it must mean something. Otherwise it would not be a concern.

I wish you could see me being brave every time I open up to you. Every time I let you in. Every time I open up a wound or a scar and expose myself so you can have a bit more of my heart. These are all moments of bravery. Because I do not know the ending to this story. I do not know if it will be worth the sacrifice and the risk I am taking with my heart. I do not know if I will give you pieces of me only to have to watch you walk away with them. Yes, I am fearful. I am human, and risking your heart is one of the scariest things you can do. But I wish you could see the bravery in every fear I face with you. I wish you could see how valuable that is – to find someone who will face their fears with you, instead of someone who has no fears at all.

Maybe you do see that.

“Don't worry about a thing,every little thing is gonna be alright”.png

 

no sudden moves.

So that guy texted again. After a month of radio silence he texts me asking me when I’m moving back to the US. He tells me I deserve a prince of a man, one that treats me and loves me beautifully. He jokingly tries to convince me to have 12 kids with him. And just like that, I dissolve into tears. I promised myself I wouldn’t let him do this to me again. So with all the blood rushing to my head I try to be brave.

Me: Maybe you shouldn’t joke about that 🙂 My poor heart 🙂

Him: It’s actually a tough one for me, so joking helps I guess.

Me: I can understand that 😦 But I guess what I wanted to say is it’s difficult to hear that joke in relation to me because it’s just way too personal…it makes me want to hit you upside the head and at the same time pray for the right girl for you to have 12 kids with because I genuinely care about you and want you to be happy. I think we could actually be good friends but everytime you message and kind of joke about how things might be different I don’t know how to deal with that. But seeing as I’m now just telling you that it’s not your fault…it’s really mine. Because I’m usually a rock and I’m having an off day and this is hard. I try not to be affected by what you say but as it turns out I’m sensitive.

Him: You’re 100% right. I shouldn’t make references to us having 12 kids together. I joke around the unexplored desire that dwell with me, not knowing how to solve the missing pieces of relationships.

At this point, I am crying, thinking to myself how cruel it is of him to throw that out there. As if any of his unexplored desires have to do with me. I don’t want to ask but I need to hear him say it. I need to hear him say he doesn’t want me the way I want him.

Me: Those unexplored desires…I don’t think they’re for me. I think they’re desires in general…so as long as you don’t use me as a filler (even jokingly) we’re okay.

Him: Deal. But why do you rush to assume they could not be for you?

And oh I hate him in that moment. It’s almost as if he wants me to continue to hope for the possibility of him and me. To keep me around just in case he needs an ego boost. So I brace myself. I work up the nerve to ask a question I already know the answer to but need to hear anyway.

Me: Fair point. Are they?

Him: Well maybe not the full 12 kids, but you know I was attracted to you and enjoyed our conversations. I couldn’t see the distance working for my personality and needs in a relationship.

It feels like someone punched me in the heart. Once again I’ve offered him my slowly healing heart only for him to be careless with it. Again. All I can do is sit in my cubicle trying to be quiet, and hope that no one sees me. We talk some more. Finally we end with agreeing to continue to be friends. I really just want to tell him I don’t want to be his friend but I hear God telling me I need to learn to be vulnerable, I need to learn a few more lessons in setting boundaries. I have to be stronger than my broken heart. And despite everything, I need to be able to see that he is still a good person. A selfish person, yes, but then again so am I. Is he using me? I think in some way he is, but I truly don’t think he means to do so. I genuinely believe in him. And I pray about that wall he’s erected around his heart – that wall that makes him do these selfish insensitive things – I pray someday it crumbles.

Everyone I know has been damaged by love in one way or another. The only thing you can do is to be brave. And eventually, throw yourself back in the ring and try again.

thisisn'teverythingyouare

Although not indicated in the title, this post is also a part of my Truth Thursdays entries – Truth Thursdays 21: All Things New.

Truth Thursdays exists to connect people through writing.  To initiate something honest, thoughtful, and meaningful.  Truth Thursdays is an open discussion of expressions. There are no right or wrong responses, Truth Thursdays are just what they are.